UPDATE
March 23, 2013 5:30 PM ET
A new pope has been elected, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, will be called Francis, the 266th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. Source: the New York Times.
March 13, 2013
By Rise Birnbaum
It’s gotta be tough whenever a Pope dies. But can you imagine what it’s like for this College of Cardinals given the recent Pope’s resignation and the bad ink about the Catholic Church? And the news just got a touch worse today, when the papal conclave opened the papers with their morning cappuccinos only to see the headline, “Vatican Owns the Building that Houses Europe’s Biggest Gay Bathhouse.” That’s a no-no. And to add fuel to the fire, Cardinal Dias lives one floor above the rockin’ club in a swanky 12-room apartment.
Latest word is black smoke was seen, meaning no new Pope yet. The black smoke is from burning ballots along with some chemicals that turns the smoke black. Nothing like some thick, black smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel. Art historians throughout the world must be offing themselves as we speak. 
As for the boys club? Trust me, these guys must be chomping on cartons of Nicorette (or maybe these new e-ciggies) as well as swigging some vats filled with sacramental wine to get through it all. At the very least there’s gotta be a bin filled with just plain Wrigley’s to help them calm down and figure out who they’re voting for.
And they are no youngsters. In addition to wine and gum, I bet there’s an assortment of canes and walkers and heating pads not to mention artificial hips and knees.
No hanging chads for this Holy crew. Paper ballots are passed out, folded and placed into a chalice. When the counting is done, there’s either black smoke or white smoke, indicating a new Pope.
If the voting goes five days, the fifth day is kind of “free play” for prayer and discussion and then the process resumes for another seven rounds.
Def not going to know exactly what goes on behind closed doors and Swiss Guards, but I’d love to be a fly on the wall of the Sistine Chapel. Anyone who lives in Rome and wears red Prada shoes deserves some attention. And the next Pope has a rough road ahead, so my prayer is for a younger, more flexible leader who understands the changing world and how to deal with it.